In pursuit of personal growth

Lately my life has become very repetitive and boring. And while everyone is spending all their time at home waiting for the epidemic to end, my lifestyle hasn't changed at all compared to before the quarantine. Don't get me wrong, I understand that I'm not living in a TV show - and as an adult I have to accept that things aren't as exciting as they used to be. Still, it's not the thrill I'm looking for. Actually, I'm at that weird moment in my life where I can't find the right answer to the question, 'What do you want your life to be like?' It's driving me crazy because I'm finding more and more habits, big and small, that are preventing me from staying in one place. All in all, after a few months I'll really appreciate it. But now? Every day looks dull and I feel like a boat without a rudder. I try to go in all directions at the same time, so it looks like I'm not moving at all.
What has helped me a little to stay sane during these hard times has been to change my mindset. Unfortunately, I still have a lot of bad days when common sense is completely switched off. My mood tends to take unexpected turns - we are in a constant war and unfortunately sometimes I lose. But even in my worst periods, I have this big list of things that I do every day or every other day, no matter how bad the current circumstances are.
My frustration comes from the fact that without a goal I feel a bit lost. However, from the day I started to focus on the process rather than the end result, I found that it became easier to deal with dissatisfaction. Sure, it's great to have a goal so you know when you're making progress. But sometimes you don't know what the goal is, and that's OK. Real change happens in the process. You're not who you want to be - what really defines you are the things you do. And when you do something over and over again, your identity changes too. So it's no longer about wanting something. It's about being your new self. That guy you always wanted to be? Think about what he would do in life situations similar to yours, how he would spend his free time or how he would behave - and then just act like him.
I have this beautiful version of myself in my head. A stoic, talented web developer who knows what he wants and is not afraid to go after it. Full of love and passion. I am him. Sometimes I stray from the path. But I learn, I improve, and with each new boss fight I leave the battlefield richer in experience and strength. And as time passes, I find myself sitting in peace more often.
Being at war all the time is exhausting. Yesterday was hell. But today I woke up stronger. Happier. Another day, another fight. I cherish every victory. It's just crazy how you can go from hating yourself to loving yourself in a dozen hours. Crazy world we live in, but still - it's good to be here. Cheers!