Depression has been something that has been with me all my life. Even now, when I'm happy, there's still that uncomfortable feeling that constantly reminds me that something is wrong. The suicidal thoughts and hatred of existence never really go away. Whenever I joke about killing myself, and I do regularly, I know deep down that not being here is something I crave a little every day. You don't even need a reason to feel this way - my life couldn't be better at the moment, and yet the fact that there are people suffering because of my or anyone else's actions makes me want to die. The world is an unpleasant place and it's hard to deny the tragedy of being alive.
No more moaning, let us get acquainted with a slightly happier perspective. It's incredible how happy I am with the current state of my life. Even difficulties or bad news of any kind don't really affect my mood. It's something completely new for me. I'm full of love for myself and everything around me, and I don't even have to try! I envy people who have always felt this way, and wonder where I would be now if I hadn't had any emotional baggage when I was growing up. Whatever the answer, I really appreciate how I have developed as a person.
What's my secret? I believe that as humans we are simply a strange creation full of chemicals. That's why I started my happiness research by focusing on what's real and proven - happiness hormones. It's as simple as it sounds! To achieve emotional well-being, I simply devised a routine that would turn me into a happiness factory. For a whole year, I went cycling in the woods every other day. A few months ago I started my adventure with dumbbells and home workouts - in this case I also dedicated every other day to getting fit. After each workout or trip, I felt invincible. It's easy to be consistent when you can see the effects of your actions right away. And although I was able to achieve immediate results in the short term, I have realised that the biggest change has just happened. Finally, I know what I am capable of - when I see an obstacle in my way, I know that the only thing stopping me from achieving my goal is me.
There's also this third thing I'm doing on purpose to feel better - meditation. Unfortunately, I'm not as consistent with sitting on my ass as I am with moving around, but I do my best to spend at least 10 minutes a day shutting my mind down. Besides, I've found meditation to be far more beneficial than anything else. If you have enough willpower not to think about anything, then there's nothing stopping you from eliminating bad thoughts when something unpleasant happens. Anyway, being present is more of a lifestyle than something you can repeat until it works, so I'm not really sure I have enough competence to talk about it. For anyone interested in meditation, I recommend a book called "Mindfulness in Plain English" by Henepola Gunaratana. This guy does a great job of explaining the idea of meditation, what it does and how to do it. And if you're more of a visual person, I highly recommend watching the animated TV series "The Midnight Gospel", where the plot revolves around mindfulness as the events unfold.
On the first day of 2020, I started keeping a diary of the actions I take every day. I chose eight activities that I do quite often and started to monitor my behaviour. I highly recommend keeping a bullet journal and ticking off the boxes - your discipline will only benefit.