Whenever I want to relax, I like to sit quietly and stare at whatever's in front of me. Depending on how I'm feeling, my next step is either to shut out all my thoughts by focusing on my breathing, or to do something completely opposite - I start asking myself uncomfortable questions in the hope of learning something interesting about myself.
I'm the type of person who constantly overthinks. A or B? Should I buy this or that? Which service is better? Do I really need this? How should I prioritise my hobbies? If I don't have an obvious deadline, I like to put things off forever. It took me about 3 years to buy a new bike, and I only did it because the front wheel broke twice in one week! Obviously there are many advantages to this way of thinking. I rarely buy something I don't need, and my decisions are usually underpinned by solid mental models that I've learned and modified along the way.
And there's this one question that I like to dodge whenever it pops into my head. If I only had a year to live, what would I do with myself? I don't really have an obvious answer, and I've never really taken the time to think about it. The first thing that comes to mind is that I would like to see the world. Or maybe spend more time with the people I care about. Why not both? I have plenty of friends who would be willing to join me on my final journey. But is that really what I need? I already travel a lot with my gang and I'm not sure that life-threatening circumstances would change anything.
Faced with a vision of death, I think I would like to leave some kind of mark on the world. Obviously not by giving something to the whole of civilisation, I'm too modest in my words and actions for that kind of commitment. What I mean is that I'd like to change someone's world for the better. My goal would be to teach people about mindfulness and patience. How to face their problems and overcome obstacles. I would explain how to be grateful and share my wisdom on letting go. Hell, maybe I would even write a book? I'm pretty sure that an incurable patient who is also an author could reach quite a wide audience.
I would also like to spend a lot of time talking to everyone who has been or is important in my life. I'm really grateful for each and every one of my best friends, partners and friends that I didn't get to know enough. My love for the people around me is immeasurable - I could describe everyone in such an uplifting way that it's quite overwhelming for me to even think about it.
To sum up, love is everything to me. My dream is to share that with everyone. I want to see a world with people who are full of empathy, who can easily put themselves in another person's shoes. I'm not brave enough to do anything visible in this direction. But I have this little cute blog where I can share my thoughts, and for now that's enough. As long as my people are happy, I don't need to change anything. I think my time is yet to come and until then I'll stay humble and appreciate everything I have.